The Prime Minister needs a job…

Not many people at the non descript pub in central Delhi noticed the old sardar sitting in the corner and quietly sipping some Italian wine. But this correspondent with a keen eye for detail recognized him instantly and went up to him to have a conversation. He was none other than Dr Manmohan Singh, the Prime Minister of our country.
“Good Evening sir, may I join you.”
[silence] (Confirmation that it is indeed Dr Singh.)
“Sir, what are you doing sitting here alone in this place without any of your security detail or party colleagues? Is something wrong?” [silence again]
I had to try a different tack.
“Sir, what do you have to say about the latest scam that has hit your party?”
At the word scam Dr Singh automatically sat upright and noticed me. In a voice sounding more like a recording, he broke his silence. “I was not aware of what was going on. I am not involved in any way. There is no need for me to resign.”

“Sir, I do not want you to resign. Can we just talk for sometime?”

“You don’t!! Well then, okay. Sit down.”

“But what about your security detail? How did you manage to evade them and come here?”

“Oh, that’s easier than you think. All I had to do was smile at them on the way out. They instantly thought it was some nephew of mine and let me leave. They haven’t seen me smile for 9 years you know. Even the auto driver was getting suspicious but I simply started talking to him. Even he knows that the PM of India doesn’t speak.”

“But won’t they question you when you get back?”

Dr Singh actually had a smirk on his face.

“Son, you underestimate me. Let them question. I will just keep silent. I might even tell them ‘I was not aware of what was going on. I am not involved in any way. There is no need for me to resign.’”

“But Sir…”
“Don’t worry young man. I barely recognize myself when I speak. Leave alone anyone else”

“But what are you doing here sir?”

“Oh I needed a quite place to ponder over some matters of grave importance.”

“The state of the country?”

“No, something more important. I was considering my employment options next year when I am dismissed from my current job. Surely you don’t think the Congress has any work for me when out of power?”

“No, but why don’t you retire and spend time relaxing at home?”

“What do you think I have been doing for nine years! A sardar gets bored being silent.”

“But sir, you are an eminent economist. You are supposed to have the best CV in India.”

“Yeah, but every employer will give maximum weightage to the last job. Even Einstein won’t be able to justify that. There are just no jobs matching my skill sets anymore. What a waste of all that studying and research. In fact, you know I googled my name just to check. The fact that I am an economist appears on the 13th page. I almost cried.”

“But surely there will be lots of options for you.”
“Where are the options? Even Big Boss refuses to have me on their show. Serials refuse to give me a role even though I can waste years for them. My agent tells me advertisers want moving actors and not posters anymore. The silent monks of Thailand, the ones in the Hangover movie did invite me, but they expect me to shave my hair.”

“Why don’t you start something on your own?”

“Oh I have exhausted all my ideas teaching that good for nothing Robert Vadra how to make money. I did think of buying an IPL team, but then my contract with the Congress does not allow me to invest my money back in India. Football is too violent for me, or else there were a few Italian football teams up for sale. In fact the best offer I got was from the Indian Association of the Deaf-Mute as president and CEO but when I asked about the money they refused to hear or speak.”

“But sir, you do have a lot of money.”

“Did you just say money? I repeat ‘I was not aware of what was going on. I am not involved in any way. There is no need for me to resign.’”

“That is okay sir. It has been a pleasure talking to you. I hope we will meet again the same way. By the way, do you mind if I publish
this conversation.”

Dr Singh guffaws loudly. He is genuinely laughing now.

“Son, go ahead and publish all you want. Nobody will believe I spoke so much and for so long. If anyone does care, I will just tell them that ‘I was not aware of what was going on. I am not involved in any way.

Gayle to retire from IPL, to enter Indian politics.

In an exclusive interview with me at the Kingfisher Club, Bangalore, Chris Gayle made the shocking announcement that he is going to retire from the RCB with immediate effect and join the Congress party. Mr Gayle was completely lucid and even counted till 180 in multiples of 6 to prove the point.

True to his newly found calling, Mr Gayle patiently replied to every question I could come up with.

Why this sudden decision and what are the reasons for it?

Mr Gayle: This decision is by no means sudden. I have been pondering over it for a month now. It has been occupying my mind every time I hit a ball in the air and it takes ages to come back down. So I have had a lot of time to think about it for the last one week. Politics looks to me a natural career progression for someone in India who is famous. Though Bollywood was tempting, even John Abraham these days is trying to learn how to cry. Which is impossible for me. So I chose politics. Politics will provide me the adulation, the money and most importantly give me something to laugh about every night when I come back home.

But why now?

Mr Gayle: Seeing the number of seats a political rally in Bangalore can fill and the number of seats I can fill at the Chinnaswami, I believe this was the right time to join the fray. I believe I can save the Congress who is trying its best to lose from a winning position here in Karnataka. Maybe my only chance of a victory in the next few years. I had to seize the moment.

And also that young creep Virat was getting on my nerves. Before he pisses me off too much by swearing at me and I lose my Indian fan base by banging up the future Indian captain, I felt it was time to move on.

But why the Congress?

Mr Gayle: Once one has chosen a career path, the next important thing is find the right employer. For a beginner in this field, the Congress policy of a complete lack of policy seems the easiest way to begin. Also the pressure of performance is non existent, even frowned upon. After having to single handedly carry a team and its overweight boss on my broad shoulders, it is a welcome relief.

But what about the Modi phenomenon?

Mr Gayle: As I was saying, by joining the Congress I am under no pressure to go head to head with a leader of that stature. They have Rahul for that. That is, unless they decide to get rid of Mr Vadra and I change my name to Mr Gayle Gandhi. I can easily remain happy making the odd thousand crores here and there while Mr Modi tries to change the country.

How do you think you will manage working under Rahul Gandhi?

Mr Gayle: I believe taking orders from Siddharth Mallya for four years is sufficient experience to tackle the Gandhi scion. Also he had a Columbian girlfriend. I can relate to that.

But what will you do if you lose the next election?

Mr Gayle: Oh I believe I can keep myself occupied by being the official bouncer for the opposition in parliament. It would be just as interesting as hitting Indian medium pacers out of the Chinnaswami. Also I could use my accent to good use as an official spokesperson. They are not supposed to be understood, I believe.

Mr Gayle, where do you see yourself ten years down the line?

Mr Gayle: That is the beauty of the Congress party and another reason why I chose them. Depending on one’s likes and dislikes, there is a role for everyone in the Congress. If I choose to shoot my mouth off, I could be the foreign or the law minister. If I want to be clever and make some good money, I could end up as the finance or telecom minister. If I can stay silent and show no emotion at all, I could be the prime minister of India in no time. The opportunities are endless. Even if I do absolutely nothing, I am at least sure to end up as a Governor or maybe even the President. What else can one ask for?

So, do you not see any loss in this decision you have taken?

Mr Gayle: You mean, the booze, the cheerleaders, and Priyanka Chopra? I think I will manage. Booze and cheergirls I heard are part of politics too these days. As for Priyanka, in true Indian spirit, I intend to keep my personal life personal.

Thank you, Mr Gayle, for being so forthcoming. I am sure the Indian public is looking forward to Chris Gayle, the politician.

Mr Gayle: Cheers!



After such an enlightening interview, Chris Gayle left no doubt that he had taken a very logical and well thought out decision. If only we had more people like him coming forward to lead our country, our country could still save itself from the political bedlam that we have today.

Modi Mantra

Indian politics, unlike in more mature western democracies has always been ideology driven, and to a certain extent personality driven. Rather than being issue based or development based, parties have stuck to creating and maintaining vote banks based on intangible ideals like socialism and hindutva. Ideals that can easily serve as a smokescreen for accountability. But as our society matures, the new generation can no longer be attracted by ideology alone.
As mainstream India began to get more knowledgeable, better networked and most importantly gets younger, they no longer remained shackled by the past. Memories of the Independence struggle, of a country finding its feet in the harsh world or of riots and communalism no longer are a factor of whom to vote for. Political parties have been slow, well neigh static in changing to a changing India. A lacuna that the Congress managed to take advantage of for two terms, not consciously, rather by virtue of their own ineptitude. By projecting a leader like Manmohan Singh working under the shadow of Sonia Gandhi, both of whom do not have any ideological standing, the Congress inadvertantly appealed to the young masses. A choice made easy by lack of any viable alternative.
But where there is a void, sooner rather than later, there will be a clamor to fill it up. With the Congress making a royal mess of governance, virtually making their reelection on the continuity plank impossible, and elections only a year away, it was time for someone to step up and try to fill the void. That is when one Mr Narendra Modi decided to strike when the iron is hot.
Modi had started his political career as the very symbol of the hindutva ideology, as a right wing firebrand leader who came to power riding on polarized emotions of a state. Ten years hence, he has converted himself into an icon for the youth, a champion of growth and development. He has shown ambition and hard work, ability to innovate and take prompt decisions. These are traits the upwardly mobile young Indian understand and appreciate. Add to this an ability to communicate effectively with his target audience, be it as an orator or on social networks, and he comes across a breath of fresh air, a person who can connect with the new India and take it forward. His work talks for itself and he talks for himself. Rather than empty rhetoric, he has amassed a whole CV of successes during his tenure as the CM of Gujarat to impress the neutral observer, a breed that is becoming the majority day by day.
Along with his achievements and abilities, another factor than plays to Modi's advantage is the absolute lack of any viable alternative to him. The Congress, by compulsion has hedged its bets on Rahul Gandhi, trying to portray him as a youth icon and harbinger of development. Unfortunately he has neither the charisma nor seems to have the intellectual or leadership abilities to impress. Instead he comes across as a spoilt young man, thriving on his family name and power and with no achievement of his own to speak of. The very antithesis of a youth icon the country has been looking for. Add to that the unholy mess that has been the government of the last few years, with scandal after scandal and minimal achievements to note, economical, social or in foreign policy. To expect another chance at forming the government seems terribly optimistic. The rest of the field consist of regional satraps hedging their bets on a hung government to stake their claim. Their chances are dependent more on permutations and combinations and less on their appeal or abilities at the national level. 2014 is five years too early to consider Arvind Kejrival of the AAP as a contender on the national stage.
This is not to say that Modi's ticket to the prime ministerial post is a done deal. In fact it is not even certain that he will be the candidate his party puts forth for the post. Such is the mechanics of Indian politics. Within the BJP itself, Modi has lots of detractors, those insecure with his growth as well as those justifiably alluding to more senior leaders who deserve a chance of their own. Insecurities fed by his autocratic style of government and the ruthlessness with which he deals with those who oppose him. This brings into question his ability to handle a coalition government, the most possible scenario in 2014. This along with the albatross of the Gujarat riots which still keeps him unacceptable to the minority community and as an extension to the coalition partners of the BJP that depend on the minority vote for their power, ensures that Modi will not have an easy run in.
Will elections still a year away, the Modi camp should be worried that Modi has peaked too early. Today it does not take much for someone to fall from grace, to be a villain one day from the hero the day before. To maintain the momentum that Modi has managed into the election year will need excellent man and media management skills. It takes only one wrong sound byte, one unintended gaffe, one scandal in the news and an image built over years can be shattered. Only time will tell if the Indian public will select him for the top job. As of now he is the candidate who ticks the most boxes.

Kasab is dead... Long live Kasab....

In the end Ajmal Kasab has got what he deserves. Four years after he became the face of terrorism against India, the slow wheels of the Indian judiciary and the dirt bed of the Indian political system have managed to together send him to his well deserved fate.
Kasab has maybe lived a better life in Indian jails than he would have in strife torn Pakistan. The four years might even have been more than he would have managed to stay alive back home. A four year holiday package with daily nourishment and security at the taxpayers expense might be what we gave him in the name of due process, but have we served a higher ideal by keeping him alive. I would like to think so.
Kasab could well have been shot that fateful day. No one could have blamed a spirited policeman for lodging a fatal bullet in his body that day. After all, Kasab was a Pakistani terrorist sent to mercilessly murder Indians. The police had witnessed civilians getting shot, their own colleagues dead, they would have been fully justified in being judge jury and executioner that day. The fact that it did not happen in itself speaks highly of he discipline and rationality of our security force. At least in the eyes of the world, we have passed the test of a law abiding society.
Bringing him in alive, albeit more for intelligence purposes that humanitarian considerations, served to give living flesh and blood to terrorism. Until then a common terrorist was just a monster bred in a training camp identified only by his bloodied corpse in an encounter somewhere. Only terrorist leaders and masterminds seemed to be rotting in Indian jails waiting for their Kandahar to get free. The foot soldier always arrived as a corpse. Kasab gave that monster a name,a village, a history.
The terrorist could now be separated from the terror. The common man reading the newspaper now knew how a terrorist grew up, that he has a family, circumstances no different than any strife ravaged region in our country. Without justifying his crimes in any way he taught us that he is also human. A bad human, to be punished with a deserving death, but human nonetheless. Kasab gave us a perspective we never had before. What makes a young man across the border willing to risk his life to kill us Indians in cold blood. The intelligence gleaned from him might be invaluable but so is the understanding.
Because one day we will have to stop treating the symptoms and address the problem. Why is our neighbour, with no provocation from our side that my history has taught us, so hell bent on destroying our society? What breeds these fanatic haters of our country? One day we will have to cross over and remove the hatred. Removing the guns in itself will not win us the war. Israel for all the technology and superpower support has learnt this the hard way.
There is no better way to remove barriers than education. By educating ourselves on the plight of the common Pakistani, distancing him from the militant leaders and bloodthirsty fanatics, we might yet be moving in the right direction. For in the end, for all the political and military manoeuvering, it is civil society that has to build bridges between the two nations.
Kasab has made me look at a terrorist in a new light. No longer do I see an evil monster. Only a mere pawn sucked into a game he does not understand. Swayed by illogical ideologies of heavenly glory and revenge, these pawns hide the true evil kings from their fate. Engage the common man and the kings will weaken on their own.
Easier said than done. To overturn the perception of our country from that of an enemy to that of a friend, a brother of common lineage will not happen in a day. But it is the long term vision we have to keep in mind in engaging Pakistan. Kasab might have been the start of an awakening in our society for the same.
Kasab might yet be worth the crores we spent on keeping him alive.

The politics of retail

The Indian government is today a minority. It's one major ally short of a simple majority in parliament. Two years into it's term, it didn't take any huge scandal or crisis to make this happen,  though there were no shortage of both,  but just allowing FDI in organized retail. How the times have changed.

True,  retail is an indispensable part of civil society and accounts for 11% of our GDP but it has never been a part of any five year plan or government scheme.  With 95% in the unorganised sector,  retail has been growing happily without any government intervention.  If there is demand, whatever it might be for, there will be someone ready to sell it for a profit. Retail as an institution is easily far older than governments themselves.

When big Indian corporations came out with organized retail chains, there were but whimpers of protests. When full FDI was allowed in the back end, it barely made the papers. Why now this hue and cry against foreign investment.

Let us consider the various stakeholders involved one by one, the farmer, the shopkeeper, the retail employee, the customer, the country and the politician. Let us try to remove the hype created by the media and other political instruments and concentrate purely on the normal man's understanding of what is going on around him.

The common small farmer lives in a very micro level society.  Tell any farmer in India about any government initiative and his initial questioning will be limited to four basic questions. Will I lose my land?  Will I get more money for my produce? Will I get loans easily? Will I be able to work less? A positive answer to these questions and the farmer and family are happy. FDI as such will not be able to bring any change that Indian retailers haven't had the opportunity to provide.  The farmer really doesn't care if it's an Indian or a foreign company. Why should he?

The shopkeepers are the ones the media portray as the biggest losers. But are they themselves so worried? A normal kirana owner has the pulse of his customers. He has with him the best of CRM techniques in person to person interaction which no large retailer can compete with.  He understands that his share of the pie is large and growing enough to sustain him.  While the big players cater to the top 20-25 percent of the income pyramid,  he is the owner of rest of it.  While his customers might grow up to visit the nearest Big Bazaar,  there are enough growing up from below to sustain his shop.  McDonalds hasn't exactly destroyed the local tikki-waala has it. Growing congestion and rising real estate prices have already taken the rich metro customers out of his reach. It's again the politician and the trade unions that are doing his worrying for him.

The employee is happy. The unemployment is growing and the job market is not keeping pace.  Any new job opportunities are welcomed with open arms. The country has too many young skilled and  semi-skilled laborers to sustain everyday.  Foreign players are looked upon as saviors providing better pay and better working conditions. But considering the track record of major retailers like WalMart, they may be in for a shock.  Under more liberal labor laws,  retailers are notorious in the west for their treatment of employees. Expecting them to do any better here would be foolish.

The customer is ecstatic.  Rising competition and rising assortments can only lead to cheaper products and more variety.  The monthly grocery purchase now entails more than one option while products all over the world are available through multiple channels. Retailers are beginning to get more customers centric and customer satisfaction and retention are the new buzzwords. Foreign retailers used to serving highly demanding customers will surely bring something new to the table. The customer will remain the king.

The country really needs the confidence of investors. Terrible fiscal management and growing infrastructure needs has left the economy in dire need of foreign capital. FDI will increase FIIs boosting up the stock market as well as bringing much needed investment in infrastructure. More competition and efficient practices might drive down inflation giving the RBI more freedom to control our growing current account deficit. As the Kelkar report has put so explicitly,  growth is no longer an achievement,  it is a necessity our country needs to not collapse on the weight of its growing population. FDI across the board in all sectors previously protected is the need of the hour. We have a huge market. Now is the time to leverage it to fulfill the potential our country holds.

Last and unfortunately not the least are our politicians,  the policy makers.  The ones supporting FDI as well as the ones opposing it seem to have similar reasons and similar arguments.  In the game of politics it is easy to take a stand or raise one's swords on issues whose gestation periods are long and the benefits or losses immeasurable. Thus corruption or price hikes get sidetracked as they might fall prey to immediate action which no politician wants. FDI will be seen as a boon or a bane depending on which side of parliament you sit while larger issues can be swept under the carpet across the board. Sufficient loopholes have been kept for manipulations and the numbers game in parliament has got a safe issue to hedge its bets on. What else do politicians want.

Thus neither is FDI in retail going to usher in any golden age in the country nor will it cause any catastrophic collapse.  But as long as it makes economic sense,  it could benefit the population.  Whatever be the end result,  the politicians rest smug in the knowledge that the Indian will move on and survive come what may.

India needs more such milkmen. Dr Verghese Kurien.

When Dr Verghese Kurien passed away, aged 90, India lost its leading innovator and visionary. One whose vision was able to transform the entire dairy sector, rewarding millions with quality products and all encompassing growth. But the lessons to be learnt from Dr Kurien’s life include more than just the dairy sector. It is an example of how India requires processes customised to our unique demographics and social indices and not custom made solutions peddled by MNCs and unabashed globalisation lobbyists.

  The Indian growth story is unique. While opening up of the economy and a young population has led to excellent economic growth, infrastructure and social development remain bottlenecked in political and bureaucratic red tape and corruption. Compared to India, in China infrastructure and social development comes first, and they become the major force driving economic growth. We wait for the demand to arise and then build the infrastructure to satisfy it while in China the infrastructure is already in place to drive the demand. While this makes our economy more stable and sustainable in the long run, it has led to an income divide proportional to income growth.  Today, strictly in numbers, India has more millionaires than most developed countries while at the same time is straddled with more poor than most under developed nations.

This glaring disparity has led to global corporations making a beeline to India to be a part of the bludgeoning upper-middle and upper class market, especially in the metros. The metros and other Tier 1 and some Tier 2 cities have the infrastructure and a growing population to leverage their global practices and brand values. This upper class market is large enough with enough growth for both Indian as well as global players to grow and prosper. Thus it is no wonder that the lower section, without access to the same infrastructure and purchasing power have been neglected. Even in a cosmopolitan city like Mumbai, census data show that more than 40 percent of the population live below an income of Rs 2 lakh per annum. A market segment that will need innovative processes and long term investments to tap into.

 All the large Indian corporations today are multinational players with access to global resources and able to compete with their western counterparts in their respective fields. They have access to funds as well as technologies available all over the world. But they lack the motivation to get their fingers dirty in the muck of the great Indian cattle class. Business considerations do not lend support to innovative ideas and vision in markets that involve huge efforts and low margins. To expect western MNC’s who built their businesses in developed markets to take this step is unrealistic to say the least. Thus we see that out of the box thinking is limited to small entrepreneurs who do not have the capital or other resources to operate on a large scale.

To ensure that advantages of globalisation reach the lower strata, it is imperative that Indian businessmen and entrepreneurs awake to the potential that these sections of society have. Fresh ideas designed and customised to the specific problem areas are required.  The government, even if they do not build the roads, should ensure they do not build the roadblocks to new ideas. Dr Kurien was able to make a success of Amul incorporating the automatic milk bulk vending system re-engineered from a similar process invented originally by Rowe International of USA. Such a synergy of global technology and local customisation is required. India does not lack to brain power or the technological competence to ensure more such success stories. All we lack is the vision and commitment of the great man.

An open letter to the Indian Olympics Team

Dear Olympians,
Lying on my bed, it is a little difficult to appreciate the effort, the sacrifices you had to do through to reach where you are today. But i am trying. So don't get me wrong. But I am confused.
It is true there are lots of other countries with infinitely more resources to match our infinitely larger population. Each one of you has reached where you are after competing with a billion others. That's more people than New Zealand might have given birth to over the last couple of centuries. But tell that to their hockey players whipping us in our national game. A lack of physical fitness, of technique, of talent is understandable. We do not have the resources, what we have are spread too thinly and the rest siphoned off by the corrupt Indian. Even talent can be excused as a lack of proper genetic material. But mental toughness is as much imbibed as born with. Then why do we lack so?
Why does a world number one fail to clear the first round? Why does a shooter placed in the top five until the last few minutes falter and end up eleventh. Why are two excellent tennis players who could have easily dominated the doubles game for a decade still squabbling at the ages of 38 and 39? Where are we going wrong?
Surely lack of sponsorships, poor training facilities, and illiterate associations should have made you stronger, not weaker mentally. Then what is lacking I wonder. Is there something lacking in the Indian diet that fails to nourish that part of the brain? Or is it the climate? Or maybe our culture.
Each one of you represents the best we have. The strengths of a Sachin Tendulkar or a Vishy Anand are in you. A Dhyan Chand is lurking in that Olympic village somewhere. Today an Indian can walk into any sphere of life proud of his identity. Then why do you fail at the biggest stage? After you have surpassed all those obstacles, obstacles athletes from other nations might barely comprehend, why do you give up before your time? Why do not the pressures of success spur you on? Has the effort put into participation fatigues you so much that you can no longer compete? Have you travelled too far to be able to go that extra mile?
The armchair critic tells me you have reached your crescendo of ambition. A medal is just a dream too far. But the Indian refuses to believe. And the Indian will wait. Till the last of you catch the flight back home.
Godspeed.