Karvachauth – The traditions of India

I have always felt absorbed by the traditions of Hinduism. The option of picking and choosing from thousands of Gods (each one with his/her own quirks and characterizations), rituals and occasions (pick a day of the week and there will be some God you can please), idols etc. as per one’s comfort and convenience. It is such a far cry from the rigidity and lack of humor in Abrahamic religions.

Every ritual, every occasion has a story behind it. A story, not just a brief paragraph but entire storylines with plots, subplots, suspense and climax. The sheer volume of entwined story lines and characters can overwhelm the mind if collated together. But the importance of these occasions is above the storylines. Each occasion has a functional reason for existence, a moral or lesson that may be losing relevance in the modern world but is still a nice bit of info to have.

Let us take the occasion of Karvachauth for example. The origin is said to be a bonding session between the wife and her in-laws a few days before the harvest celebrations while the corresponding stories include queens turned maids and dead kings coming back to life. But let us try to find the underlying reason for ladies fasting all day for the well-being of their husbands.

Let us consider the habits and lifestyle of the well to do upper class ladies of the olden days. With servants to do the hard labor and luxuries aplenty to indulge in, these ladies would have had a life lacking in exercise or exertion. Customs those days would not have been too conducive to married ladies hiking across the country or hiring personal trainers for aerobic sessions. Thus they would have consistently increased in weight and correspondingly decreased in health after marriage. If with all equipment, medicines and infinite dieting plans, the wives in modern India barely manage to maintain weight, we should not be expecting too much from ancient ladies.

We can safely suppose that whatever be the era or the environment, the basic tenets of a woman’s thinking have not undergone any change. Thus reactions, especially illogical and emotion driven ones can be expected to be the same. So coming back to the ladies of ancient India, they cannot be realistically expected to be too happy with their husbands telling them to eat less, or exercise more or that they have become fat. The relation between a woman’s mood and what she sees in the mirror must have been just as complex then as it is today. Imagine the powerful landlord coming home after a long day and having to listen to the whole “aap mujhse ab pyaar nahi karte” symphony.

Men being men would have given up pretty quickly and started searching for alternate solutions to this problem. The way to get a woman to do something without taking offence can be broken down into a few key points – Display of love, integration into their beliefs and loads of attention. Thus some brilliant person (helped that most brilliant people of that era were priests or saints) designed the perfect ritual (dieting plan) for the homely wife – fasting for the well-being of the husband (display of love), done to please the Gods (integration into beliefs) and garner attention (the husband has to be back home in time with the moon).

Now this is something a lady can happily execute, integrate it with their festivals and occasions, convert it to group bonding (or bitching) sessions, go shopping and get all decked up, and all for the betterment of their husband.

The men are just as happy. Their wives have had a day of fasting, of a little less calories and a little more exercise and they are happy about it also.

Thus the story of Karvachauth. Happy Karwachauth. It remains just as relevant even today!

Life is a dump!

Waking up in the morning today, I was royally pissed off. I landed my feet directly on yesterday’s leftover pizza. Well not the pizza exactly, that was well digested by then, but the half empty ketchup sachets and plastic wraps. Irritated, I pick them up and throw them out of the back window cursing myself for not doing so last night when the neighbors were sleeping. But that’s okay. They had given up on me long ago.

In fact the dump behind my house is a mystery in itself. Other than the belief that gravity will bring down anything I throw it that general direction, I have no clue what or who is across the wall. But no more about the dump. The pizza has made me hungry. Breakfast involves shifting through a forest of empty, semi empty and non empty packets or cups of food and drinks. The oldest at the back (some have started decomposing and becoming a part of the fridge like those dead sailors in Pirates of the Caribbean) and the latest in the front. In my fridge it does not matter if the cup is half empty or half full, it only matters if it’s drinkable or not.

So I find some bread, cheese and some soft drinks that have become too soft with age and I am ready to get ready for office. As I have time, I thought I’ll clear the fridge a little. Looks pretty challenging. But I get it done and now I have my kitchen floor looking like a veritable dump. I am pretty sure the dump I was talking about would not be much different. Okay so I have to clear this now. I shove everything into some huge polythene covers and wonder where to put them. They are a little too big to throw out of the window. And I am absolutely positive I will not be carrying them anywhere near the designated garbage bins in our area. In fact I don’t believe anybody but cows and dogs use them anyway.

So I thought, let me just go down around and behind my flat and throw it over the wall from there. All that hard work and I've decided to anyway take a peep over the wall. How bad can it be? So I throw the bags over the wall and climb on a railing to take a peek.

And what do I see. There is an small colony of people living (living is really not the right word) in a narrow channel between two apartments. The walls hide them from whoever might evacuate them and they have built themselves small tents between mounds of garbage thrown from the apartments. No I was not the only one, it was a dump for half the people staying there. These people had to suffer litter thrown at them all times of day, their kids running around and playing in stuff animals would barely suffer.

And almost all the refuse there is plastic. They cannot even discreetly burn away the garbage without the apartments coming to know about it.

Do they have any choice? If they are noticed, they will be blamed for their lack of hygiene, as a health hazard to the rich and pampered throwers of waste over walls and will have nowhere to live. Those who have made the place dirty will never be held responsible, it will be those who try to string a miserable life together in the dump that shall be punished.

So much for the peep. While one part of me is relieved to be among the rich and pampered throwers of waste over walls, another part has just got a rude awakening. The dump had from being an unknown drop point for all the crap I generate had just turned up as a symbol for all the trials and travesties of human life.

I refuse to preach before I practice. I need a new place to dump my waste. 

Written for "The Great Indian Litterbug"
by Times Of India - http://greatindian.timesofindia.com/

Year End Review - 2013

As 2013 is finally over, it is time to review the best movies released this past year. As usual Politics and Sports dominated again. This year movies for the international audience were a bare minimum as the Indian audience concentrated on the domestic market.

Here is the list of the major blockbusters of 2013

The rise of the BJP

Starring: Narendra Modi, Rahul Gandhi, Manmohan Singh

The most talked about and watched movie of 2013 was about the rise of one man as the best PM candidate for India. A power-packed performance by Modi and a lack of performance from veteran actor MMS were the most talked about features. An excellent comedy performance by Digvijay Singh also had the audience in raptures.

Overall: 4/5

The Legend

Starring: Sachin Tendulkar

A tremendous performance by the evergreen superstar made this movie bring tears into the eyes of every Indian. Easily one of the classics for an entire generation, 2013 will be remembered for this movie. Even other stalwarts like Gavaskar and Dravid went unnoticed by the performance of India’s greatest entertainer. 

Overall:  5/5

AAP Jaisa Koi

Starring: Arvind Kejrival, Sheila Dikshit,

This low budget multiplex movie was the revelation of the year. The young audience entirely lapped up this new generation cinema. This David vs. Goliath movie had a simple story but surprised the audience with its excellent technical skills and innovative marketing. A special mention to Arnab Goswamy for a special comedy narrative that was the backbone of the movie.

Overall: 3.5/5

Mission Mars

Starring:

This mega budget Sci-Fi movie was at last released in 2013 after lots of delays and cost overruns. Shot in a grand scale, the technological brilliance of the movie ensured its success without any major star cast to speak about. Although it might not be able to recover its huge budget, it is worthy of a mention here.

Overall: 3.5/5

Candy Crush Saga

Starring:

This animation movie was a hit with both kids and adults alike. With simple but colorful graphics and an excellent soundtrack, it had people glued to the screen. This movie like most good animation movies will continue to be liked until the next good movie comes up.

Overall: 4/5

Young Guns Blazing

Starring: Virat Kohli, Rohit Sharma, MS Dhoni

This young and peppy sports film was an instant hit with the Indian masses. As upcoming actors took the stage, this entertainer won the hearts of many with its racy scenes and heart stopping action. Though definitely not a classic, it was an excellent one time watch. This movie also saw the end of veteran actors like Gambhir and Sehwag.

Overall 3/5

Chess Masters

Starring: Magnus Carlsen, Vishwanathan Anand

This slow paced movie made for a niche intellectual audience managed to get new viewers because of its thriller like suspense and commanding performances. Though the ending was not as most people expected, this movie proved that audiences still appreciate such performances.

Overall: 3.5/5

Broken Dreams with a Brilliant Tab!!

I looked forward to my first tab like I might look forward to my first wife.
Now your mobile might be your girlfriend, you do not mind changing it, options available are numerous as long as all basic functionalities remain. Your laptop is your best friend, you do not notice the better versions until this one stops performing. But you tab is like your wife, simply because there are just not many options available at reasonable price to be your girlfriend, and it just hasn’t been around long enough to be your best friend.
So I decided to buy a tab. To be mine and only mine, to spend time with me, to put me to sleep showing me a movie or scrolling through a book for me. To expand my energy, to play the High Definition games or browse through the Heavy Duty websites. To come home to after a hard day in college. How glorious it seemed.
After months collecting the money and days torturing the website to deliver on time, at last the tab was mine. At last my big fat wedding was over. The first night was beautiful. It was mine, mine only. It responded to my every touch, was excellent in any position, gave me options no phone ever could, had unmatched performance and unreal possibilities. We were supposed to be together happily ever after.
“Dude, let me check it out, haven’t used a tab before”
“Man, the games are awesome I am sure, let me play just one game.”
“Why don’t we all just watch a movie together on it.”
Some things are just not meant to be. In a Men’s hostel, most things are not meant to be. It’s no place to bring your wife. Everybody wanted a piece of my tab.
“My phone is not big enough to play properly, hand it over for a sec.”
“That video, I need to show it to someone. Be back in a minute.”
If one could run a kilometer on Temple Run, there was always someone to try and run a few meters more. It someone found watching YouTube on it cool, somebody had to watch an HD movie on it. If it was somebody’s newspaper, it would become somebody else’s chess board in a minute.
“Hey it’s yours anyway, let me use it for a few hours.”
“Oh, you will be sleeping soon, will return it tomorrow.”
“Dude, that lecture is going to be boring. Am taking the tab to pass the time.”
In a few months my wife was no longer mine. It was just too adaptable, too functional to remain chained to one man. That unlucky man was me. Soon I never came to know where it spent the night. Soon it was leaving my side without me even knowing. Soon I could sleep with it besides me and wake up with it gone. It was maybe just too good for me.
Today it has seen it all. From my intense possessiveness to a mob’s violent sharing. But it goes on, pleasing anyone who touches it. Today that which was meant for my personal touch is found in different hands every day. Sleeps somewhere and wakes up somewhere else.
“Man, we would have been so bored without your tab.”
“The time we spend fighting for the tab. Awesome fun…”
“That’s some excellent technology there. Made just for us!!”
It was just not meant to be. Me and my tab in a college hostel. It was one failed marriage but life goes on. I would not replace it for anything else.

Post written for contest on www.indiblogger.com

All entries must have a link to facebook.com/LenovoIndia it seems....

The Prime Minister needs a job…

Not many people at the non descript pub in central Delhi noticed the old sardar sitting in the corner and quietly sipping some Italian wine. But this correspondent with a keen eye for detail recognized him instantly and went up to him to have a conversation. He was none other than Dr Manmohan Singh, the Prime Minister of our country.
“Good Evening sir, may I join you.”
[silence] (Confirmation that it is indeed Dr Singh.)
“Sir, what are you doing sitting here alone in this place without any of your security detail or party colleagues? Is something wrong?” [silence again]
I had to try a different tack.
“Sir, what do you have to say about the latest scam that has hit your party?”
At the word scam Dr Singh automatically sat upright and noticed me. In a voice sounding more like a recording, he broke his silence. “I was not aware of what was going on. I am not involved in any way. There is no need for me to resign.”

“Sir, I do not want you to resign. Can we just talk for sometime?”

“You don’t!! Well then, okay. Sit down.”

“But what about your security detail? How did you manage to evade them and come here?”

“Oh, that’s easier than you think. All I had to do was smile at them on the way out. They instantly thought it was some nephew of mine and let me leave. They haven’t seen me smile for 9 years you know. Even the auto driver was getting suspicious but I simply started talking to him. Even he knows that the PM of India doesn’t speak.”

“But won’t they question you when you get back?”

Dr Singh actually had a smirk on his face.

“Son, you underestimate me. Let them question. I will just keep silent. I might even tell them ‘I was not aware of what was going on. I am not involved in any way. There is no need for me to resign.’”

“But Sir…”
“Don’t worry young man. I barely recognize myself when I speak. Leave alone anyone else”

“But what are you doing here sir?”

“Oh I needed a quite place to ponder over some matters of grave importance.”

“The state of the country?”

“No, something more important. I was considering my employment options next year when I am dismissed from my current job. Surely you don’t think the Congress has any work for me when out of power?”

“No, but why don’t you retire and spend time relaxing at home?”

“What do you think I have been doing for nine years! A sardar gets bored being silent.”

“But sir, you are an eminent economist. You are supposed to have the best CV in India.”

“Yeah, but every employer will give maximum weightage to the last job. Even Einstein won’t be able to justify that. There are just no jobs matching my skill sets anymore. What a waste of all that studying and research. In fact, you know I googled my name just to check. The fact that I am an economist appears on the 13th page. I almost cried.”

“But surely there will be lots of options for you.”
“Where are the options? Even Big Boss refuses to have me on their show. Serials refuse to give me a role even though I can waste years for them. My agent tells me advertisers want moving actors and not posters anymore. The silent monks of Thailand, the ones in the Hangover movie did invite me, but they expect me to shave my hair.”

“Why don’t you start something on your own?”

“Oh I have exhausted all my ideas teaching that good for nothing Robert Vadra how to make money. I did think of buying an IPL team, but then my contract with the Congress does not allow me to invest my money back in India. Football is too violent for me, or else there were a few Italian football teams up for sale. In fact the best offer I got was from the Indian Association of the Deaf-Mute as president and CEO but when I asked about the money they refused to hear or speak.”

“But sir, you do have a lot of money.”

“Did you just say money? I repeat ‘I was not aware of what was going on. I am not involved in any way. There is no need for me to resign.’”

“That is okay sir. It has been a pleasure talking to you. I hope we will meet again the same way. By the way, do you mind if I publish
this conversation.”

Dr Singh guffaws loudly. He is genuinely laughing now.

“Son, go ahead and publish all you want. Nobody will believe I spoke so much and for so long. If anyone does care, I will just tell them that ‘I was not aware of what was going on. I am not involved in any way.

Gayle to retire from IPL, to enter Indian politics.

In an exclusive interview with me at the Kingfisher Club, Bangalore, Chris Gayle made the shocking announcement that he is going to retire from the RCB with immediate effect and join the Congress party. Mr Gayle was completely lucid and even counted till 180 in multiples of 6 to prove the point.

True to his newly found calling, Mr Gayle patiently replied to every question I could come up with.

Why this sudden decision and what are the reasons for it?

Mr Gayle: This decision is by no means sudden. I have been pondering over it for a month now. It has been occupying my mind every time I hit a ball in the air and it takes ages to come back down. So I have had a lot of time to think about it for the last one week. Politics looks to me a natural career progression for someone in India who is famous. Though Bollywood was tempting, even John Abraham these days is trying to learn how to cry. Which is impossible for me. So I chose politics. Politics will provide me the adulation, the money and most importantly give me something to laugh about every night when I come back home.

But why now?

Mr Gayle: Seeing the number of seats a political rally in Bangalore can fill and the number of seats I can fill at the Chinnaswami, I believe this was the right time to join the fray. I believe I can save the Congress who is trying its best to lose from a winning position here in Karnataka. Maybe my only chance of a victory in the next few years. I had to seize the moment.

And also that young creep Virat was getting on my nerves. Before he pisses me off too much by swearing at me and I lose my Indian fan base by banging up the future Indian captain, I felt it was time to move on.

But why the Congress?

Mr Gayle: Once one has chosen a career path, the next important thing is find the right employer. For a beginner in this field, the Congress policy of a complete lack of policy seems the easiest way to begin. Also the pressure of performance is non existent, even frowned upon. After having to single handedly carry a team and its overweight boss on my broad shoulders, it is a welcome relief.

But what about the Modi phenomenon?

Mr Gayle: As I was saying, by joining the Congress I am under no pressure to go head to head with a leader of that stature. They have Rahul for that. That is, unless they decide to get rid of Mr Vadra and I change my name to Mr Gayle Gandhi. I can easily remain happy making the odd thousand crores here and there while Mr Modi tries to change the country.

How do you think you will manage working under Rahul Gandhi?

Mr Gayle: I believe taking orders from Siddharth Mallya for four years is sufficient experience to tackle the Gandhi scion. Also he had a Columbian girlfriend. I can relate to that.

But what will you do if you lose the next election?

Mr Gayle: Oh I believe I can keep myself occupied by being the official bouncer for the opposition in parliament. It would be just as interesting as hitting Indian medium pacers out of the Chinnaswami. Also I could use my accent to good use as an official spokesperson. They are not supposed to be understood, I believe.

Mr Gayle, where do you see yourself ten years down the line?

Mr Gayle: That is the beauty of the Congress party and another reason why I chose them. Depending on one’s likes and dislikes, there is a role for everyone in the Congress. If I choose to shoot my mouth off, I could be the foreign or the law minister. If I want to be clever and make some good money, I could end up as the finance or telecom minister. If I can stay silent and show no emotion at all, I could be the prime minister of India in no time. The opportunities are endless. Even if I do absolutely nothing, I am at least sure to end up as a Governor or maybe even the President. What else can one ask for?

So, do you not see any loss in this decision you have taken?

Mr Gayle: You mean, the booze, the cheerleaders, and Priyanka Chopra? I think I will manage. Booze and cheergirls I heard are part of politics too these days. As for Priyanka, in true Indian spirit, I intend to keep my personal life personal.

Thank you, Mr Gayle, for being so forthcoming. I am sure the Indian public is looking forward to Chris Gayle, the politician.

Mr Gayle: Cheers!



After such an enlightening interview, Chris Gayle left no doubt that he had taken a very logical and well thought out decision. If only we had more people like him coming forward to lead our country, our country could still save itself from the political bedlam that we have today.

Rise up and Revolt!!

I am pissed off. Terribly royally pissed off. I stood by and watched when they destroyed it one by one. But now I am stronger. I can take it no more....
Their first attack was on the mouse. That cute little thing with big ears that Tom used to catch called Jerry. They took it and replaced it with a plastic blob with two buttons. Could have called it a rat, couldnt they. But I forgave them. Atleast they didnt call a keyboard a cat....
And they came that man Mr Gates. I bet he was tortured as a kid for his surname. Else why would he call that bland program Windows. Its supposed to let in fresh air, with beautiful hilltops in the background. Not error messages and black screens. Not fair....
The guts of these men. Did Edison call his light bulb a sun, or Marconi call his telephone a mouth. They knew how to respect a language. Not these computer freaks. And we the common man got too dazzled with the technology to care. And look where we ended up. A net no longer catches fish, spiders have lost ownership of the web, a tablet no longer cures you and soon a cloud will no longer cause any rainfall. And still nobody cares....
This lament will not be complete without alluding to one man. One Mr Jobs. The sadist stole from us the one thing that kept the doctor away. At least the blackberry is black. The apple neither red nor green is white. Heights I say....
But why this sudden revolt, this outburst of anger you may ask. Well not to be undone by the other big guns, Google has decieded to take away from us the one thing we thought would always be safe. ICECREAM. A tear in my eye. This is our last chance I say. Rise up and revolt....
Before it is too late....

The year that was..... before it goes away....

It’s that time of the year when time is running out on the year. So it’s time for a year end review. Especially as my Mayan and Aztec friends keep telling me that I might not get a chance next year. So I guess I will spend some time on this one.

For a year supposed to end with our final new year, there was a distinct lack of happiness this year.

What with the rich rich west out with their fiscal begging bowls in the name of financial crisis after crisis. Countries rich all through their not so long history trying to grapple with new found poverty, begging and borrowing from each other as the developing world looks on. “Hey these are the guys who stole our wealth. Now when we want it back, they have squandered it all away” cries the Asians and the Africans. After just getting comfortable with a world without too much communism, capitalism is beginning to look just as bad. So much for America leading the world. Mr Obama gets nightmares of China asking for its money back these days. Europe, with all their shows of unity and common policy, now look like small kids fighting over loose change. The Germans as usual the biggest bully.

Japan was never a happy country, things just got sadder with earthquakes, tsunamis and nuclear disasters. Well it was only a matter of time before all that technology would come back to bite them in the head. I feel for them. All those Sonys and Toyotas are of no use when disaster strikes. Luckily they had shifted all their factories to China a long time back or we might have ended up with Micromax making TVs and cars. South Korea seems to be doing pretty well. Samsung is being said in the same breath as Apple. Hyundai with Toyota. The death of that dictator in the north would have helped.

Talking of deaths, it’s been a pretty bad year for dictators and evil maniacs. Really bad men like Osama and Gaddafi killed by not really that good Western forces. Those who have suffered still suffer. But CNN and BBC tell us the world is a better place. Assange is too broke to tell us any different. Kim of Korea, for all the dastardly acts of his, lived and died at a ripe old age. So unfair it seems. A few good men died too. That good man Steve Jobs died early with a lot more ipods and pads still left in him. A terrible loss. The jury is still out on the Sai Baba, but all those free operations must count for something.

Democratic revolutions abound, powered by disgruntled young men and women, driven by social media. This was the year of the birth of leaderless revolutions, in Egypt, in Tunisia, in Libya, in Wall Street (a country of its own somewhere in the US). No longer do we need strong individuals; all we need is popular web pages. The power of the internet was there to be seen as never before. With Facebook becoming more like Twitter, Google becoming more like Facebook and every literate in the world on at least one of these sites, it seems pretty easy to grab a lot of attention with very little effort. Ask that Madrasan who got drunk.

Comparatively a good year for India. The muddle of corruption has got us an anti corruption movement that seems destined to make a difference, no matter how small. Satyagraha and non violence has not gone out of fashion yet it seems. The next Gandhi named Rahul is here, but how bad can he be. Terrorism did not get any worse than before, the Pakistanis having issues of their own. We won a world cup in the only game we care about. A billion Indians cried out in joy as one Mr Sachin Tendulkar got his hands on the cricket world cup. The media is tainted but shamelessly plods on. Summers were hotter, winters remain colder, the rains poured heavier and everything is costlier. India inc. may not be sprinting ahead but at least has not stopped moving. Other than for the king of good times, the times look pretty okay. Lots of good movies released both in Hollywood and lots of good earners in Bollywood. Every Hollywood movie had the mandatory couple of Indians. Chetan Bhagat wrote the mandatory bad book. A Tamil song became the most happening in North India. And we had our first successful flash mob. Well done that!!

Looking forward to a pretty interesting 2012……

Ten important lessons for wannabe commentators in IPL.

Ten important lessons for wannabe commentators in IPL.

1. Any batsman who comes out to bat has excellent potential when he comes out to bat and is in form when he hits his first boundary.

2. If you were born in Australia you can hit the ball a long way, unless your name is Doug Bollinger.

3. If you dive and half stop the ball, it's bad fielding. If you let it go, it's a good shot.

4. If you can run two, you are quick between the wickets, even if you are VVS Laxman.

5. Ultra Slowmotion Cameras are the greatest invention in cricket after round balls.

6. If the batsman misses the ball its either a slower ball or a quicker delivery depending on where the keeper gathers it.

7. There are always big hitters to come in the pavilion.

8. Any new player coming into the team  lends balance to the side, evening if he is only there because someone else has the loosies.

9. The same ball used in 50 over cricket ages faster and becomes an old ball in ten overs.

10. During a rain delay, it's a wonderful surprise than the crowd waits patiently after paying all that money to be there.

These basic laws and the ability to read the numbers at the bottom of the screen are about all you need to be a successful IPL commentator. The ability to keep a straight face to Sidhu's jokes is an added bonus.
So go on. There is a rich and successful career waiting for you.



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